Some players enter the league looking like grown men who have lived purely off of cow’s milk and Angus scotch fillet.Others are not so fortunate.This list aims to capture the blokes that have stepped foot onto an AFL ground and don’t look like they quite belong just yet,in terms of appearance and/or stature.Note that if it were not for the smorgasbord of wacky hairdos,tatts and facial hair that get sported in our beloved league,this may have been a lot harder to put together.All of this is based purely off of aesthetics and does not take into account on-field performance.It’s also not all about physique – some players’ faces betray their Johnny Bravo bodies.
Was this pulled out of my arse?Yes.Am I a keyboard warrior bullying teenaged athletes?Also yes.A nice way of naming this article would have been “Top 10 friendliest looking players of 2020” but at the end of the day,this shouldn’t be taken seriously and is purely a fun exercise.
Without further ado:
In a list populated by mostly first and second year players,it is an astounding achievement for Marty Gleeson to make an appearance,maintaining the exact physique that he had when he was drafted 8 years ago.Sure,he’s added a moustache but like the one on Ned Flanders,it only makes him look more approachable and friendly–someone you can cuddle up and watch Netflix with on a rainy day.If he survives this season’s round of delistings at Tullamarine,you can be certain that the Marty Party will be back in next year’s edition of this list.
Some of you might think that this is a bad shout as Bailey has filled out his frame to an extent,but like I said,it’s not all about physique and Bails still has the face of a fourteen year-old to me.Chuck some pimples and/or braces onto him and he would fit in easily behind the drive-thru counter at Maccas.Above is a poorly-done mockup just to drive the point home.
Having red hair and freckles typically makes you look like a bully or the bullied–first-year Docker Tobe Watson firmly falls into the latter category.Tobe looks like your stereotypical nerd in a 90’s/early 2000’s movie,just missing the thick-rimmed glasses and a calculator in his shirt pocket.His potential to turn into a Cameron Ling clone,an undeniably scary looking bloke,has saved him from being placed higher.This has been a pretty mean paragraph,so I’ll just leave it at that.
Ironically,the second year Bomber needs to incorporate a few legs of ham into his diet.Used purely as an outside endurance runner,Ham looks like he could legitimately snap in half if thrown into the centre bounce.Here’s an adorable snippet from a video of his debut,highlighting his innocent demeanour and child-like appearance.Don’t expect him to be the big-bodied contested ball winner that the Bombers crave anytime soon.
In the same mould of many on this list,Philp simply has not had enough pre-seasons under his belt to develop an AFL body.Seeing him next to Matt Rowell in Vic Metro videos really puts the spotlight on how wiry Philp is.He looks like he could be shilling footy records outside the ‘G but not doing a great job as his voice isn’t loud enough to drown out the fans.
Polec might seem out of place – he is neither a scrawny youngster nor has a baby face but I think his appearance is unintimidating in its own way,looking like a meek substitute teacher whose attempts to control an unruly class ends at “Hey guys,c’mon.” He dislikes the idea of raising his voice and fears ever having to do so.Of course,his salary is a bit higher than a substitute teacher’s but if you look past this crucial piece of information,he’s well on his way to becoming aLow Income Single Dad.
Cahill is the third Bomber to grace this list – maybe I’m just noticing these guys more as an Essendon supporter.It’s probably the middle-part,but he looks like the douche who tried to steal your girlfriend in year 8 through persistent messaging,and succeeded.The little show he puts on when he kicks a goal doesn’t do him any favours in this regard.
Rozee is a bonafide jet,but his appearance is yet to catch-up to his on-field performance–I suspect that Rozee will be off of this list next year.He should take a leaf out of teammate Darcy Byrne-Jones’ book and grow out a mullet and mo,to increase the intimidation factor on an otherwise fresh-looking head.As an aside,I have discovered that Port have the roughest and toughest looking list during my research,with big Charlie and Hartlett the roughest of the lot.
2. Chayce Jones
Chayce Jones,simply put,is just another kid on this list,with a splash of dopey about him.He has plenty of opportunity to develop an aged and weary look as one of the centrepieces of Adelaide’s rebuild.I do not have a lot to add here.
The youthful ray of hope on the Hawks’ senile list,Day measures in at 70 kgs despite being 6’2(yes I just mixed imperial and metric).He has the appearance of a great kid(which he is for all I know)who mows his elderly neighbour’s lawn without whinging and gets his 9 hours of sleep in every night on his journey to fulfilling his AFL dreams.McEvoy,Stratts and co.will have to continue to supervise Day in Hawthorn’s backline,making sure that he doesn’t get carried off the field by opposition recruiters when the ball and attention is at the other end of the ground.
There we have it.Disagree with any placements?I don’t blame you.Tune in for some more shoddily-assembled lists.